It is done.

That’s me. It is done. Treatments are complete. I got the results from my scan back and they couldn’t see any traces of cancer! Great news. But just as I felt genuinely unlucky to get diagnosed, I feel lucky to have these results. Don’t anyone dare think I fought harder than anyone else and ‘won.’ The fighter quotes are for marketing purposes and they do a great job. There is nothing brave about having a disease. How you react to it, manage your emotions, deal with your anger and face what life throws at you is entirely your choosing. That’s perhaps where the bravery occurs and I can assure you that I am not the most brave warrior people think I am. I am only better because of the family and friends I have surrounding me. Especially my fiancee who has figuratively held my hand all through this with one big smile on his face to keep me happy. There has been so many times where I had to question the root of my negative emotions in order to deal with them.


Let Death be jealous that you lived and live on.


I am signing off from this blog as I am moving on and putting this behind me. The Cancer Centre doors closed behind my back. The drugs administered, lasers beamed, the midnight bloods taken. The blue and white gowns, the scars to prove my battles, the welcomed fluffly hair growing o’top my head. And I couldn’t be more relieved. THANK YOU for every hug, every I LOVE YOU, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, every plan made beyond my hospital appointments. Every cake baked, every message sent, every photo liked. Thank you for every coin donated, every tea brewed and for Spencer. I thank all y’all for being my bookends, my mountains as walked through this valley. For keeping my chin up, for my quilt and the bed to lay in. I’ll leave you with some epic quotes and a poem that I rattled around in my brain when it got tough…


WildThing


Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
your understanding.


Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.


And could you keep your heart in wonder at the
daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem
less wondrous than your joy;


And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields.


And you would watch with serenity through the
winters of your grief.


Much of your pain is self-chosen.


It is the bitter potion by which the physician within
you heals your sick self.


Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquillity:


For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by
the tender hand of the Unseen,


And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has
been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has
moistened with His own sacred tears.


Kahlil Gibran

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Brachytherapy – enough said.


Holy Lord – this is the one thing I have been freaking out over since it all began. I knew it would happen but I kept it right at the back of my mind as I just couldn’t process what was to come.


For those that are about to undergo this, I’ll tell y’all, it ain’t worth worrying about. It is going to happen and THANKFULLY it ain’t as bad as I feared it would be. I am not even going to add pictures to this post as there aren’t any specific I could find that related to me so don’t go out and find something that will scare the hell out of you and make you more nervous.

I chose spinal over general anaesthesia. It was recommend to me and as you are still awake for the spinal you can communicate while it is going in. For example if you feel it in your legs when the spinal goes in, you need to tell the Anaesthetist so risk of damaging your legs permanently is removed.

Brachytherapy No. 1

Arrive 730am – get my assigned room on the Ward and catch up on some ZZzzzzz’s until 10am when the doctor visits me and calms any nerves and then Anaesthetist visits me to discuss the drugs. I tell her about my issue with needles ‘at the moment’ and not to worry if I cry, it generally always happens.

I get into my gown and am escorted to the procedure room. I lay down on a bed which is at everyone’s shoulders and the cannula gets squeezed into my hand, I cry and they give administer drugs to relax me. Today I reckon I will be pro-drugs. So I sit up, time for the Spinal.

I hunch all the way over and apparently it went in. I didn’t feel it! And I am aware that the procedure happened but I don’t remember anything. I guess it went ok!!

I had tea & toast at 2pm after the scan…because I no longer have control of my legs I get to be rolled back and forth onto various beds for scans. It wasn’t uncomfortable, totally at the mercy of all these awesome nurses, and today I am ok with that.

I do wait a long time until I get into the procedure room again to actually have the radiation feed into the applicator that have been fitted inside of me and although it is bizarre, this small boxy machine dripping radiation into my cervix I tell myself it is all curative and I imagine the tumour being zapped away.

After this my two assigned nurses for the day – who were so much fun btw – take out the applicator and catheter. I really don’t feel a thing.

I am brought back to my room and there I await the feeling of my legs. I can wiggle my toes and slowly I regain movement….now it’s time to pee. I have to call for a nurse so that she can see that I am capable of walking to the restroom and well – pee time. How the feck do you pee? I need to pee, I am relaxing my pee muscle and, oh there it is. Gosh, it is dribbling out and it is stingy.

But it’s over! Number 1 Brachytherapy done, two more to go. The next few days my pee abilities return to normal. Time to do it again.

Brachytherapy No.2

Same routine, catch some ZZzzzzz’s when I get to my room, doctor visits then anaesthetist visits. Different doctor and anaesthetist. She tells me they want to change my drug dosage as my heart rate lowered too much and they had to give me drugs to get my heart rate up again – fine I say, it is the Goldilocks method I guess.

The drugs aren’t strong enough. I have two doses of morphine to combat the pain, plus I throw up after the applicator is fitted inside of me. I have pains similar to period pains and so I have morphine injected into my thigh to help. The tea & toast arrive – I fast from 11pm the night before, food and water – and another long wait until I get the radiation plugged into the applicator to zap this thing to shit.

Time for the removal. I’ve been like crying all day and hypersensitive to everything going on and so when they pull it all out I am in tears for the fear of pain, yet it wasn’t sore.

Back to the room. Feeling pretty wounded and sorry for myself. One more to go. Bring back the strong drugs!!! Let’s teach myself how to pee again.

Brachytherapy No.3

I get the same Anaesthetist as the first time and really get to describe how the last two procedures were different. She tells me that the reason why I couldn’t remember the first Brachytherapy is because amnesia is one of the side effects of a drug she used. ‘Sign me up for amnesia please!’ She laughs and promises to try.

Cannula in, tears come amidst the gas & air I have over my face and she tells me that it seems I have developed a phobia of needles. I totally knew it.

I guess I must have had the amnesia drugs again because I don’t recollect anything – wonderful says I, it must have went really well. The drugs were just right.

Teaching myself how to pee again gets harder each time so although I am glad all three are over, totally glad, I promise the universe I will be eternally grateful for the return of my peeing abilities. It takes about a week. Now I’ve only one more chemo to bear and then I am DONE.


Here is when my father passed away. I visited a friend that night and when I got back rigour mortis has set in. My mum and I lifted him to the floor to start chest compressions when she noticed he wasn’t responding and so when the ambulance arrived they didn’t try to revive as it was past that time already. The funeral was organised by my mum with lots of photographs and songs being brought up and my family fly over from the UK and bundles into the house to get ready for the funeral which will be the week of my last chemo.

When I got my diagnosis of cancer of 1st April and came home and broke to the news to my dad he reached out and grabbed my hand to console me. That was the last time we touched and I was the last person he spoke to that night he passed. Although he was ill for quite some time, I truly have no more head space just now. I would like to have told him that my scan came back with no trace of cancer but it’s ok.

Standard Treatment….Cisplatin Diary (it’s wordy!)

First day of radio and first week of new chemo brings all the firsts-nervousness again so hoping this post can help all the me’s out there about to face the same day….you know you will be fine but it’s all in the not knowing. We know to take each step as it comes but today it seems there’s more steps to take. Here goes:

I got a dummy run of the radiotherapy on the friday before. The rotation of that big linear accelerator machine, the lasers to line you up and then some noises and it’s all over, next time it’ll be firing out some photons. Just some radiation. Normal right?!

So Monday – pre-assessment bloods & chat with doctor. I am instructed to not get out of bed until 11am since radio is at 430 everyday and literally just chill, rest & relax for the next 6 weeks (…I’ve already lined up a spectacular video list of Woody Allen movies and comedy by Jim Gaffigan and Louis CK). This new set of treatment is heavier and as there is two sets of things going on, chemo & radio, my body will need the rest. I am also told that I will need exercise to boost a little energy – we are talking 20-30 min walking.

Also got some books lined up and even an Origami How To book too. I also walk my neighbours’ dog. My neighbour got a dog, her first ever dog!, in her 70s for some company. It was the most hyper little thing when we first started walking him and has since calmed to her liking. That dog has been more of a lifeline to me than I to him. He had escaped one day and bounding into my garden trying to jump on my head and well, that was that. I take him to the nearby park and there are public hydraulic exercise machines – plenty resistance for my much lower energy levels. Ok, so here goes, the review of chemo days….

First day of Cisplatin

Cannulated after 5 attempts. Boo hoo, cries I. The process isn’t emotional it’s just the frustration of not being able to get it in. My new Maybelline mascara stays intact, I’m impressed. It’s in and it’s 2 hours saline, 2 hours Cisplatin and another 2 hours saline. The Cisplatin is damaging to your kidneys so also drinking water also helps. I also get my radiotherapy too so I walk down with my ‘dancing partner’ as some call it, and while I’m on the radiation tray bed I’m still hooked into saline. Its much quicker after the initial radiation, so 15 mins I’m back to my private room in the ward.

Towards the end of the saline, nausea and tiredness set in. Wow. I can barely keep my head from the pillow whilst also being aware the floor might be covered in vomit in any second. Nothing comes up and its time to leave. My face is swollen as is my hand. My mum comes to drive home and it’s chocka with rush hour traffic and Im sitting in the passengers seat with a sick bag just incase. I crawl into bed and try to sleep it all off. God I feel like crap.

The following day I am just pretty weak and tired – DUVET DAY! Up to hospital for radio then back again to bed. The rest of the week I’m just pacing myself, walking the dog. Of anything to note, the shakes I got was weird. My hands mainly and then one day I just felt all jittery. I didn’t call it in or anything, just stayed in bed that day and later on my next doctors pre-assessment, found out that it may be the anti-sickness drugs were too high so that’s been reduced for this second week.

Cisplatin No. 2

OK so the dread of the cannulation is there so the Doctor prescribes a relaxing pill to help my nerves if that’s what was getting in the way of being cannulated. It wasn’t and another 5 attempts until it was in place for my chemo that day. And still the emotions coming. The reflexologist from Macmillan pays me a welcome visit that day. Ah just nice to have a chat with a new face and smelling all those lavender and citrus orange oils.

The previous weeks’ nausea appeared again at the same time only the nurses were keen to give me something and told me to sleep on and stay overnight if I wished. That meant needle to the stomach and as when I woke up from its sleeping effect my nausea was gone. Wow, what a difference. Slept until 6am next day when I got home and relatively awake that day.

The doctor had also given me anti-sickness pills to help me sleep at nights (between sweating and needing to pee I average 2 hour sleep increments). However the pills, only meant to last up to 12hrs, gives me a hangover effect the entire next day and I’m dead emotionally so I try it two nights in a row then give them up.

Trip to Dublin this weekend and having only two things planned: adult only leprechaun tour and visit to Butlers chocolates cafe. I wouldn’t class it as fatigue but lack of energy which will catapult you feeling like an elderly person who requires lots of sitting and short increments of ‘go’ sometimes even talking cant make can take my breath away.

Here’s how it goes; Walk to the park across the road of the hotel. Sit down. Look at Oscar Wilde and his quotes. Walk to St Stephens Green for breakfast. Sit down. Walk into St Stephens Green. Sit down (for ages!). Walk along Grafton Street. Sit down (Butlers chocolate cafe!). Walk back to hotel. Fall asleep. It’s 3pm. That’s me for the night. Order food to hotel room.

Cisplatin No. 3

Ok this will make me just over half way on this treatment and 3/4 done of treatment overall…..looking forward to tomorrow, not so much for today. I have had an enormous craving all week for meat, red red meat! I find out in my bloods I have a much stronger level of haemoglobin levels (red blood cells) which was a fantastic thing. Well done cravings!

Ok but the cannulation thing again. Relax pill swallowed but I don’t really feel it’s affect. It’s only 5mg. Anyways, 6 attempts with the cannula then someone else to called…they put it straight into the ‘risky’ vein. Its the vein inner elbow – medical term insert here!! – risky because if the chemo leaks it could damage some nerves close by as opposed to muscle tissue if its in my forearm. But promise I do to keep it straight, the chemo goes forth. They are ready with anti-sickness drugs and due to the bank holiday, the entire day starts at 9am and finishes at 1am. I sleep next day til 10am and it’s duvet day as normal but the rest of the week I am alert and energetic…then I catch a cough.

Cisplatin No. 4

The cough raised a red flag for the doctor who insisted calls off chemo. I am given antibiotics and sent home.

I come back three days later and still got a cough so Chemo No. 4 didn’t happen. They don’t delay the chemo any further, they just skip it. So only one more chemo to go…on Monday. The week of the Brachytherapy. So fingers crossed (even though I hate chemo days but I know I need them) I have different antibiotics and am given three white blood cell injections for over the weekend – totally don’t have the head space to give them to myself so district nurse is in place! Am so fed up with needles I even start to shake when I get one, even if I don’t feel it! But here’s the thing – if I’m not ok by Monday, and I’ve got the internal radiation to do on Thursday, then I skip that as well. They don’t like to do these two things so close together. Which would mean from my original 6 planned chemo cycles, I would go down to only 3. The doctor tried to explain it to me but I don’t understand yet. The chemo is to make the radiation more effective they said and the main thing is the internal, Brachytherapy.

Here is when the Brachytherapy happens – details on a different post – but the doctor tells me she wants to give me that chemo that I had missed and so it is scheduled for after the Brachytherapy and radiation is finished. I am going out on a bang for sure because the Cisplatin chemo is the hardest thing out of the three types of treatment.

Cisplatin No. 5

OMG this IS the last one. For sure this time. I begrudgingly attend the Cancer Centre and wait to get my bloods done and chat with the doctor. Since my third Brachytherapy – which entailed having a catheter fitted each time – I am still trying to remember how I pee. It’s like you have to coach your body to get peeing again. It’s bizarre. It’s a little painful and takes ages. And generally my bowels have had a beating with all the radiation – external and internal – and so the nurses are concerned I might be retaining and so the doctor sends me for a X-Ray and everything is fine. Although I am given pills for constipation later on that day my bowels reverse and I now need pills for diarrhoea….however much I love pain relief medication, I just want my body to sort this out by itself. So I don’t take the pills and a week on everything is normal again. Yay! OMG how grateful you can be when the simplest of things, like going to the loo, is taken away and you get it back again.

They are all aware of my cannula problems and so a head nurse puts it into that risky vein. I warn her I might cry for no apparent reason other that there is a freaking needle in my arm but they get concerned every time and offer me diazepam. I’m not into it, I dry my eyes, calm myself down and watch TV while the drugs get pumped through my body.

My poor body. I generally am sorry for it. It’s upsetting that you agree to have chemo drugs administered to it and yet you know or are aware that chemo is killing the cancer cells. One line is screamed in your head ‘This chemo is killing me.’ And it is. It is killing all my cells. I apologise to my veins and go back to watching Location, Location, Location. Phil and Kirsty can distract me for a little while.

As on cue, one hour before it’s all done, as has happened with all the Cisplatin chemo days, I start to get nauseated. I call the nurses to have anti-sickness injected into my stomach area and half hour later, I get another one. It’s pretty full on this time and I throw up over 6 times. Blood is even coming up and I call for the nurse, who calls the doctor who asks if I had been eating mints that day. “Yes, pretty much all types of mints and all throughout the day.” And so the blood doesn’t faze her and my sickness becomes tiredness and I am invited to stay the night over. My fiancee stays over with me on a fold out bed which is great as he is able to bring me water, help me out of bed and generally be totally awesome.

The next day I get to leave after breakfast. I don’t have any more sickness just exhausted. I walk out of the Cancer Centre and raise my hands in the air. It’s over.


Chemo 5 & 6

Well after the weekend of coming out of hospital I had only two days before I returned for some more treatment. Not enough time says I who after receiving 30 needles in the space of my 2 week hospital stint needed much more time away – so a little bit of emotions came into play when I had the normal blood tests taken.

It’s over in a jiffy but just seeing that metal in my arm with all the other scars from the previous needles and my random allergic reaction to a plaster still marking my skin, even the nurse commented on how much I looked like a pin cushion.

Anyways, tests all done and good to go for chemo that day. I sought after the ward sister from the cancer centre who had wonderfully been able to put in my cannula the week before in one go and she got it again! Such a good feeling when you only have to do that once as they stick the cannula in and need to move it around a bit before the vein really takes to it. Then it’s taped down and the Taxol and Carbo get administered with all the pre-med drugs too. All good for Chemo 5. One more and I’m half way done!

IMG_1269I did eventually give in to that fast food craving by the way. It took 5 days to cave in but after trying to find what exactly my body was searching for, nothing was appeasing the mind from having that McChicken sandwich. I did it, I went to McDonald’s and had the meal and I felt great haha. It took care of the craving and that’s that.


Chemo 6

My final chemo day on the trial! I met with the head doctor, awesome woman, Dr Clarke, someone who makes you feel that you already know them and there was no need to catch up on who I was or what I was doing, just straight in great rapport.

I got some Magnesium to ease muscle pain and also my blood tests showed that I was at 0.69 marker not 0.7 on the magnesium scale in my bloods – nothing too drastic, but the sachets of magnesium are fantastic and they taste great too. I was having to wear very soft bras as it felt like my skin was sunburned when I wore my normal underwired Ann Summers lingerie and towards the end of my evenings my body would just ache. I normally avoid prescription drugs and be a person who would suffer through it and wait for my body to kick in with its immune system, but that’s low just now and sometimes drugs are just awesome!

The cravings I have now I guess are due to the steroids. It’s breakfast food! Cereal! Omg, I would eat my dinner salads and then before bedtime enjoy one, sometimes two! bowls of cereal. Cheerios and Special K with heaps of milk. I wouldn’t normally eat this many carbs, or drink calories in the form of milk, especially now since I am not getting to the gym so I have added 3lbs but I don’t feel super guilty. I am taking a lenient approach to all this just now as I know when my body is ready for extra exertion I am going to love it.

Celebrate time for me!!!!! I am half way through my cancer treatments!!! I have completed the clinical trial Interlace and now breathe, celebrate the milestone so far and look out for the next 6 weeks to come. That week my older sister visited from Scotland and we celebrated with some cake, art gallery visits, gardening, lots of chats and green tea. Can’t wait to see my girlfriends this weekend for some shrimp and venison gumbo! I don’t know what the next half of treatments is going to be like so before I get nervous, time to chill and take it all in. Get those breathing exercises done, got a colouring book, do some retail therapy, be a movie goer again, check in with friends.


good-golly-youre-halfway-there



Chemo Days 2, 3 & 4

So I knew the drill of the drugs, but now was the day of the PICC line. Yes the thing that is inserted into my arm, thread through the vein, while I’m awake and will rest just above my heart in order that further drugs will enter straight to the heart and get pumped around. Eek!

Normal tests done, I had lost 4lbs due to the loss of my hair! All platelets up to scratch, haemoglobin levels good, so I got the go ahead for chemo that day. Then I get called for the PICC appointment. Yes I am nervous. I don’t know whats going to happen. The ladies are nice, talking everything through, then I lay down with my arm stretched out. She put ample amount of disinfectant on herself, mask, gown etc and then on me too. The gel for the UV camera is applied and now I can see that ‘lovely squeedchy vein’ there on the screen. The prick of the needle comes along with the sting of the venom, I mean freeze, and she taps to see if it has worked. Yes that’s fine and off to work she goes, I look across and see the metal rod sticking out of my arm. Like the matrix when Trinity gets a few rods in her body only teeny tiny. Its uncomfortable for about 20 mins and then it gets clipped into place, a sleeve is placed over it and Im free to go back to the waiting room. It feels really weird. It feels weak, I’m being cautious with it, I try lifting something but I just want to be left alone.

The chemo nurses clean it and insert all my chemo drugs that day. I fall asleep for a while and Ryan heads off for a walk around Belfast. So much for packing a Chemo kit, sleeping is the only thing I want to do when Im here – maybe when I wake it it’ll all be over.

I leave around 6pm and I’m not as sleepy as last time. I have a mad craving for a McChicken sandwich meal. Strange as I haven’t had that food since Nov 2013 and I’m not giving into that any time soon! I head off home and I am buzzing with energy. I got online and facebooked my friends and they commented on how hyper I was. My aunt called and couldn’t believe how much energy I was talking with. I was bouncing. Perhaps it’s like this, different each time. I had some different take home medication too since that previous week’s irregular heartbeat.

The next day I am still full of energy. My heart feels like its racing. I got a few sharp chest pains that were quick then as I sat in my bed some heavier chest pains gripped my right side for a while. I called the 24hr Oncology team and reported it. They sent me straight to A&E and within an hour I had bloods taken, cultures done, an ECG carried out and was lying in a bed quite light headed. The nurses at this hospital aren’t trained on using PICC lines so welcome back to needles. I got a call from the Cancer Centre in the City Hospital where I will be spending the night to monitor me.

So one night turns to over the weekend. My chest pains have stopped but I got X-rays, heart tracing, CT scans and lots and lots of bloods taken. Every time I got a temperature spike, which happened about twice a day, they got worried. Blood cultures are taken every 48hrs to see if and what infection is going on. Couldn’t find anything. So another three days goes by in the hospital and muscle pain in the pain is wearing in due most likely to being in bed most of the day so out to the smokers garden I go for fresh air and a look at some flowers. The walk is pretty hard by this point in the pain threshold.

As they had taken the PICC line out incase it was causing the infection with chest pains they had arranged for another one to go in a few days later while I was in hospital. They tried the same arm but the vein wouldn’t allow it in so they switched arms and although they got a vein the vein grasped around the PICC and wouldn’t let it go further. They brought this down to the amount of antibiotics I had had but I guess my body did not want that foreign thing in the system. Cannula all the way now, I think I prefer that actually.

So during that first week in hospital I missed a chemo session – there was talk about pulling me out of the trial if I had to miss another one but thankfully it didn’t come to that and I was still ok to receive the chemo and also ok for that to be part of the trial with its various aims in place. Phew. I’ve grown more and more positive to clinical trials the more I research and experience it for myself.

The complementary therapy that was available from Macmillan was amazing. A gentle reflexology helped me sleep much better and another lady administered a massage to my back and from that day my back pain really subsided along with he extra physio exercises I had been doing.

The chemo I got the second week in hospital was on schedule and the Ward Sister got a vein!!! Gosh I was so pleased, first time! I got my chemo, I was back on track, I am sticking with the programme. Such a good feeling but also reminds you that you still have cancer and chemo is going into your body…..its curative!!! I need to remind myself, yes it’s poison but its curative.

Eventually it took two weeks of being in hospital before my inflammatory makers had went down to normal. No infection was found but a lot of antibiotics were put through my system. I was let out two days after and free for the weekend. Just in time for a visit with from little brother and his girlfriend and a much needed visit to my new favourite coffee bar in Belfast, Established. Their weekend only brunches are amazing! And here I am with my wig for the first time. How cool is this!


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Surgery

Key Hole Surgery for removal of Para-Aortic Lymph Nodes


Everyone has their appointment time for 7am. We get ushered into an over crowded waiting room and wait for the doors to open then two nurses tell us whether we take a bed, another seat or go somewhere else for our appointment. I got a bed and the chart above it says 2nd AM….Im guessing thats great as the person next to me sighs when she sees 4th PM. She is told her surgery is scheduled for 430pm today, hopefully.

But mine is at 10am. Only a three hour wait in which time I watch several tv shows on the iPad and my partner has already been taken away as no visitors are allowed – he explores Belfast.

I am visited by four different medical staff. Nurse to get details and allergies. Doctor to discuss any questions and go through the surgery. Another doctor to check the the other doctor has seen me and if I have any further questions…..not sure what questions I would ask, seems quite straight forward to me. They make a few incisions, put a tool or two in there and remove the lymph nodes and stitch me back up. And then Anaesthetics guy who asks about allergies. Along with a staff nurse, head nurse and some students too.

I was wheeled round in a bed and asked if students and people in England could watch via tv link up with a live camera. Here I imagine a 1900 medical amphitheatre with tungsten light bulbs and a circular arena for doctors as the audience, yes I love watching The Knick on Netflix with Clive Owen. But really its a live feed for doctors to watch in a different country and my belly button is their gate way into my abdomen.

Then I wake up later, loving my catheter as I don’t even need to move in order to pee! Cue hands behind the head with a gaze out the window and a slight grin on my face. I watch TV on my iPad and get a few medical visitors with morphine. I asked to stay for an extra night after I ate my braised steak and vegetables.

It took me about a week before I could lay in any other position other than my back. I didn’t get to the gym for two weeks after my surgery and that was only for light weights for 20 mins. Fatigue was gained easily so walking my neighbours dog went from one hour to going around the block whilst smelling the lovely roses along the way. Where I live has a great group of gardeners living here.

The stitches have taken about 20 days to really go down in swelling and the gas that they pump into you will be around that time too – so don’t go feeling all fat and bloated, it will go away! They caught 23 lymph nodes and having the all clear found out a week later, I head for my treatments as planned.

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Chemotherapy

What is it?

A drug that works through your blood to ‘treat’ cancer. Where surgery and radiation are local treatments targeting only where the tumour is, chemotherapy attacks cells, all cells (cancerous and normal), throughout the body. This helps if it has spread (Metastases).

All cells divide and grow. Normal cells know when to stop dividing and growing when they come into contact with similar cells. Cancer cells do not have this turn off switch thus keep multiplying and building up as a tumour.

Chemo or ‘Chemical Treatment’ or ‘Treatment with Cell Killing’ halts the division process. This causes the tumour to shrink or become tumorcidal (cell suicide). There are cell-cycle specific chemo drugs (for when cells are dividing) and cell-cycle non-specific (for attacking the cells when they rest) But mainly the cell-cycle specific drugs are the chemo drugs we use most often. These affect cells that divide and grow quite often – other cells of this nature include stomach and bowel cells for example, as they regrow in order reline the stomach when digesting. Hair and nail cells are also constantly growing, skin cells too as they replace new skin all the time and bone marrow, which produces your blood cells. So these are also affected by chemo drugs. And, as you can imagine, I may notice changes to these more frequent areas with side effects. So far chemo is unable to decipher between cancer and normal cells. The good thing is that the normal cells grow back only.

History of Chemo drugs

So, Chemotherapy was discovered during the use of chemical warfare in World War 2, in the use of Mustard Gas. One part of the gas, Nitrogen Mustard, in particular. When a group of soldiers were exposed to the mustard gas, upon inspection of doctors, they found that their white blood cell counts were low and that it had affected their bone marrow and lymph nodes. From this discovery doctors explored using this agent and thought it may help fight diseases like lymphoma and cancers. They tested it on animals and found that it worked. It wasn’t until 1946 (after the war and secrecy of these gas programs, that findings were published). Then in 1955, interest was big to discover more chemicals against cancer which then lead to a national screening program.

However, at this time Nitrogen Mustard effects did not last long. They began using various drugs to combat Childhood Leukaemia and Hodgkin’s disease. There was a 50% remission rate, which lasted longer. Around 1970 people began to now believe cancer was curable which was a force to bring to bear, as scientists believed there was a possibility of finding a cure so then were granted time and money and approval to focus their work, and it research progressed.

What Chemo drugs am I receiving?

There are hundreds of different chemo drugs. My standard treatment will use Cisplatin – the most common. The clinical trial, Interlace, will provide me with Carboplatin & Paclitaxel (Carbo/Taxol) or PC. All three of these chemo drugs are listed on the World Health Organisation List of Essential Medicines.

Carbo/Taxol is normally given every three weeks over 5/6 months when sometimes administered for Breast Cancer. In my instance in this trial, I will be having this first, but every week, and for 6 weeks. Thus, the dosage is one third of its normal amount given and this amount is also based on my body mass to see how much my body can handle. They give you the max amount and can be adjusted, incase I can’t cope for example. Little bit of experimentation along the way sure, why not!

Paclitaxel, aka Taxol, is made from pine needles from the Yew Tree. Well, it used to be. The demand for the drug at its discovery was higher than the ability to harvest the trees so Robert A Holton, a professor of Florida University, began synthesising the drug. It was discovered in 1962 during the time when the National Cancer Institute had put on a screening program to collect samples of a 1000 plant species per year.

A man, by the name of Arthur S Barclay, had collected bark during this screening program, from the Pacific Yew Tree and when processed by subcontractors, they found it was cytotoxic (Cancer cell killing). It was developed commercially by Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) with some controversies along the way. A lot of controversies actually. Financial ones at that.

In 1978, mice, with leukaemia, were the first to benefit from its effects. In 1979 Susan B. Howitz published that Taxol had the ability to stabilise microtubules (these microtubules undergo continual assembly and disassembly of cells. They determine the shape of cells in a variety of movements, the intracellular transport of organelles, and the separation of chromosomes during mitosis – yes you are thinking, ‘basically’) Paciltaxel works by stopping the doubling of cancer cells. In 1982, trials for humans began.

After Phase 2 of these trials, ecological concerns were voiced, even though they had been having remarkable responses in ovarian cancer patients. About 360,000 trees were needed each year to provide enough bark for the drug to be made. This sparked the need to reach out for help, financial help, in order to further clinical trials and handle the isolation of taxol. This received a lot of fleck as one company bought exclusive marketing rights of the life saving therapy drug. They went on to make over $1billion dollars of profit from Taxol, using Robert A Holton’s synthesising methods. He got rich, Florida State University got rich and so did Bristol-Myers Squibb. The cost of Taxol? – if you had four cycles of treatment with Taxol, it would cost the NHS £4000 ($6000).

Carboplatin & Cisplatin

These are cell-cycle non-specific drugs meaning it attacks during the rest phase of cell division. They are platinum based drugs, discovered in the ’80s. Carboplatin was made after Cisplatin (parent drug) and has fewer side effects.

Cisplatin was discovered by accident. A researcher, named Barnett Rosenberg, wanted to explore the effects of an electric field on the growth of bacteria. When the bacteria stopped dividing once it was placed in an electric field, he found that it was because of the electric field of the platinum electrode rather that the field generated itself. Thus cell division in this way was explored further in rats – alas, successful results gained approval for human use and in 1978 in US, 1979 in UK, Cisplatin was used to treat ovarian and testicular cancer.

When the compound enters a cancer cell it becomes positively charged when water molecules replaces its chloride ions (further research is looking at how to manage the amount of chloride we have in order to boost a maximum effect). This charge attacks the DNA charge, creating cross links in DNA making it hard for the cell to duplicate that DNA section, thus dying.

There is, unfortunately, resistance to Cisplatin that can occur. In situations where this is the case, Paciltaxel (Taxol) is used to boost its effect – reasons are unknown why this works so far but discovering this during my research makes me glad I opted for the Interlace trial! (Cisplatin is administered as the Standard Treatment, Taxol as part of the Trial I was fortunate to take part in). Also various studies and meetings are held across the globe that discuss aspects of the drugs uses; in San Diego they are discussing the possibility of predicting the resistance of cancer cells to Cisplatin by measuring DNA damage. In Scotland and Australia, they are discussing the possibility of using external magnets to draw the platinum-based Cisplatin to the targeted tumour. In MIT, a professor is restructuring the platinum compound and his research indicates a 4-40 times higher potency to cisplatin so far. Isn’t this so interesting! I loved knowing so many really intelligent people were working all round the world, trying to make it all better.

I’m basically throwing three DNA suicide bombs on the tumour, not just one. Sometimes DNA repair pathways become resistant to a particular chemo drug and due to ongoing research, we are still unable to accurately predict how one person will be affected by any particular chemotherapy, if the tumour becomes resistant and if it grows back. There are many unknown elements that may happen and yet there is still an outstanding amount of success to the treatment of cancer.

Now for the ‘fun’ bit of this post…..random side effects.

Along with the predicted side effects (feeling crappy, hair loss, fatigue, etc) I found some side effects that were offered an amusing surprise. I’ve not decided if I am alarmed or just plain old, amused:

Loss of hearing
Loss of taste
Electric shock when bending your neck
Loss of colour vision
Hiccups. Yes, hiccups.
Increased risk of developing cancer. Yes, you can re-read that again. Crazy.
Yellow eyes and skin – what is the solution for this. Must ask Vogue.
Burning hands and feet – So, jandles in winter?
No urine output – if over 12 hours this is a serious emergency I’d suspect!!

Radiotherapy?

Understanding Radiotherapy

Exposure to radiation destroys cancer cells and normal cells – but only the latter repair themselves.  This exposure could come in the form of x-rays (external) or implants made of radioactive material (internal – also known as Brachytherapy). The British Institute of Radiology explains:

Radiation is simply the transfer of energy from one place to another. Radiation is all around us, for instance, light, radio waves and microwaves are all forms of radiation…Some radiation is harmful to humans and some is not. Radiotherapy uses a type of radiation that transfers enough energy to damage harmful cells in the human body. The radiation used in radiotherapy can be produced in different ways, for example: – In a machine called a ‘linear accelerator’, particles called ‘electrons’ are accelerated to high speed towards a  metal target. When they hit the target they have to slow down very quickly and this forces them to release energy in the form of radiation. Magnets and shielding blocks are used to direct the radiation to the right place. – The radiation can come from a ‘radioactive material’ this is a material that has excess energy. The material naturally loses this energy over time by releasing it’s radiation.

For a fun filled video on the Linear Accelerator see:
and also for a more modern look at the device:

The discovery of x-rays was discovered in 1895 ( Wilhelm Roentgen) The ‘X’ is a symbol for an unknown quantity. In 1896, a French physician Victor Despeignes, treated a stomach cancer with radiation. He saw a reduction in the size of the tumour but the use was ultimately fatal (without regulating how much he received). In the same year, radiation was used against Lupus Vulgaris (nodules on the skin) which was successful and sparked further research into its uses – this man, Finsen, was awarded with the Nobel Prize in 1903 ‘in recognition of his contribution to the treatment od diseases, especially lupus vulgarise, with concentrated light radiation whereby he has opened a new avenue for medical science.’ Emil Grubbe, a student in Chicago, claimed to be the first to treat cancer patients with X-rays in 1896. In Sweden, Stenbeck and Sjogen had some success in a palliative form (as opposed to curative) in painful tumours, but due to the uninformed management of dosage there was extensive tissue damaged whilst also having only a small amount of depth of penetration to where the tumour was.

Around this time, a French physics professor, Becquerel, discovered the radioactive nature of uranium salts.  In 1898 Marie Curie discovered radium, which had a stronger radioactive quality. Within the mineral Pitchblende, they found Polonium and Radium. Unaware of its harmfulness and with its ability to emit light and heat, this element was used on watch faces (to glow in the dark) and often Marie would carry radium in tubes in her pockets and store it in her desk drawers – nowadays it’s a tad different.
When I got my PET scan, the radioactive sugar that was injected into me was given in a Nuclear Section of the hospital, the nurse wore protective clothing, the radioactive injection arrive in a locked metal casing and the injection itself was in metal tubing. Then I had to avoid young children and pregnant women for several hours afterwards.
Pitchblende+zippeite02
They did not put a patent on Radium and its extraction process in order that there would be an uninterrupted accessible source for scientists to make use of the discovery without hindrance.  In 1902 radium was used successfully against a stomach cancer in Vienna, and in 1904 in New York patients had implanted (Brachytherapy) treatments. It was mined in mass from 1913 by a Colorado company.

They realised that X-rays needed to be in smaller doses and ‘fractioned’ as single large exposures played havoc with patients’ survival rates. Regaud, in 1911 delivered irradiations 15 days apart, with success and is famed for the fractioned method of treating cancer. He used the same principle against radium treatments and was championed by Coutard who helped to spread the fractioning process worldwide (1920s). Coutard lit the beam of light, see what I did there?, towards treating patients individually based on their specific tumour, location of and amount of exposure thereof they would receive.

From this time many scientists worked on the iso-effect model – how much patients should receive and for how long. This ‘effect’ is based on four things; The repair of sublethal cellular damage – Redistribution of tumour cells from resistant to sensitive in their cell cycle – Reoxygenation of tumour cells (if tumour cells lack oxygen they are less sensitive to the radiation treatment *eat your greens!*) – The returning of healthy cells in place of tumour cells.

Now to maximise the use of fractioning in treatment, basically how close can we go with giving radioactive treatments without harming the patient is utilised – sublethal rather than lethal treatment of, they say it takes 6 hours for cells to repair themselves (healthy ones) and so you could deliver radiation every 6 hours. My radiation is everyday Mon-Fri, once per day, and the area has been permanently tattooed with three little dots, 2 on the hips and one as a centre point. This will take place over 6 weeks.

But first, there’s the Chemotherapy from the Interlace clinical trail: Induction Chemo.


Got Cancer? Here’s some booklets to read

So I was diagnosed, then scanned to see how far the cancer had extended and now the planning for treatment begins and there is a wait of about two weeks.

You are given about 6 different booklets: Understanding Cervical Cancer, The Cancer Guide, Understanding Radiotherapy, Radiotherapy – Your Questions Answered, Understanding Chemotherapy. And then you can get more. I chose: Travel & Cancer and Cancer & Exercise. These are made by Macmillan Cancer Support and HSC (Hospital & Social Care trust).

Granted, most people I have spoken to didn’t want to know anything about their diagnosis nor treatment and are happy to follow the doctors orders – so look away now if this is you, however if, like me, you have an Alice in Wonderland approach in life, that only find things like this ‘curiouser and curiouser’ then we must try to understand everything in order to keep our sanity and give us a sense of control.

So here goes…..this isn’t exhaustive but all of these things relate to me:

Understanding Cervical Cancer

  • Cancer is the disease of cells
  • The disease causes cells to develop into a lump/tumour
  • A malignant (cancerous) tumour may spread to nearby tissue
  • It may also travel through your body via your bloodstream or lymphatic system
  • Lymphatic system (part of immune system) includes lymph nodes
  • These lymph nodes are connected via ducts (tubes)
  • Lymph nodes are all over the body – pelvis, abdomen, armpit, neck etc
  • Cancer of the cervix is usually the result of HPV from sexual activities
  • Condom or no condom does not determine being infected
  • HPV may lay dormant and pass through your body or may turn cancerous
  • Girls are now vaccinated against HPV (hooray!)
  • There are various stages of cancer 1A-4B
  • I am 2b meaning it spread to nearby tissues and lymph nodes in pelvis area
  • They call this Locally Advanced Cervical Cancer
  • Treatment for this is Chemoradiation (chemotherapy and radiation combined)
  • My para-aortic lymph node/glands might also be infected and will be surgically removed to check under microscope
  • The team deciding your treatment consists of; a Gynae, a Clinical & Medical Oncologist (someone who deals with tumours medically) and a Specialist Nurse
  • There are lots of side affects to Chemoradiation, it may even give you cancer
  • Radiotherapy uses high energy x-rays to kill cancer cells
  • This can be external, internal or both
  • External radiation uses small tattoos (permanent) to align an area of concentration
  • Radiation is given Mon-Fri, with rest at weekends, and lasts 10-15 mins each time
  • Radiation does not make you radioactive and you will not be harmful to pregnant women or young children
  • Internal radiation is given afterwards and you will have this inserted into you
  • The applicators are inserted under sedation or general anaesthesia
  • It will be uncomfortable
  • Chemotherapy uses anti-cancer drugs to destroy (cancer) cells
  • There are various types of chemo drugs with different functions
  • The most common is called Cisplatin
  • This is platinum based drug and will be used in my standard treatment
  • It is injected into you and flushed out of you within one day per week (sessions could last 8 hours)
  • During treatment your bloods are taken each week to see how your body is coping
  • After treatment you are checked every 3 months for 6 months (if in a trial)
  • Then every 6 months for the next year and a half (as normal)
Alongside all of this treatment, the six weeks of chemoradiation, I was approached about the clinical trials, Interlace.
  
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Lie back and don’t breathe….

It took the two weeks until I found out just how serious this was. I was thankful for a cancellation appointment the same week of my diagnosis for the MRI. Thankfully, our love of donuts has taken over NHS equipment and this looped contraption was my resting place for all of 30 minutes. Feet and head poking out, I listened to Katy Perry on Now 30 through the headphones. My brother asked me afterwards – what was it like…..

“It felt like a rave scene in a jungle where aboriginal and techno fiends decided to use recycled goods to create drum’n’bass, happy hardcore and techno jive beats all with the Now 30 playing in the background.”

The CT scan on the other hand, which happened after that weekend, was slightly more uncomfortable. “Drink this full jug of water over the next hour and don’t pee after your third cup.” Holy crap, I could hardly walk I needed to pee so bad. “Now remove your bra and lie down here and don’t breathe (when we tell you). We will inject this solution into you which will make you feel like you have just wet yourself.” At least that only lasted 15 minutes. I must have peed three times before I left the hospital. Then back a week later and bam! – Stage 2b Adenocarcinoma (the 10-15% of cervical cancers) With pelvic lymph nodes infected and another test need to check the abdomen lymph nodes. The cancer tumour is 5.5cm. “Yes, that pretty big.” 5.5cm is like….IMG_8482 Business cards in width, a Rubix cube, an average chicken egg.

The NHS online doctor says:

How common is cervical cancer – Overall, about 2 out of every 100 cancers diagnosed in women (2%) are cervical cancers. But it is the most common cancer in women under 35 yrs old. Around 3,100 women are diagnosed with cervical cancer each year in the UK.

And my cancer ribbon colour is Teal & White. The cancer is so rare the ribbon has two colours. I’ve never enjoyed Teal as a colour. And never enjoyed being any type of patient….so I am considering becoming a Cancer Diva instead!